1066 All Stars

Middle of week 9 - 29th October

Starting weight - 12 st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 6lb

New weight - 11st 5lb

Comments

* A cheeky midweek weigh in, against the rules I had imposed on myself. But therapy teaches us the importance of change, of doing things differently and so I have broken the rigidity of my own regime.

* Another pound off, reassurance that the plan is a long term solution given the week that came before. With a wedding over the weekend, meals were at the mercy of circumstance, including a trip to McDonalds. Even then I had the regime in mind, the trip to the Naughty Shop coming at lunchtime, dinner consisting mainly of vegetables. Then at lunchtime yesterday, i was conscious that I had cooked too much and, instead of just eating it all, I left some for the next day, lunch today now a much more reasonable size.

* By the way, nothing more irritating than writing out an entire blog, only to press the wrong key on the laptop and lose the whole thing.

* Don't forget to check out The Anxiety Diaries elsewhere on the site, charting how the mundane and ordinary events of life can lead to anxiety. Unlike my food blog, it is a single page entry that I will update periodically so don't forget to check it out here http://1066allstars.webs.com/apps/blog/show/42750131-the-anxiety-diaries#.VE_-V5VsALU.twitter

* Some exciting publishing still to come towards the end of the year. I have one more piece to write before my short story collection is ready. I am also working on a new children's story, The Friendly Lion, which will be published exclusively in my children's story collection. Finally, I am hoping to publish a couple of stories seperately which will include illustrations. I haven't made any money off of these publications and my reading circle is still very limited but it gives me a sense of satisfaction nonetheless that I have achieved something I set out to do.

End of week 8 - 25th October

Starting weight - 12 st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 6lb

New weight - 11st 6lb

Comments

* Bah!

* Actually if I look at the small print, I did lose some weight, just not enough to shift me down to the next pound.

* It had crossd my mind that I may be reaching the limit of weight loss with my currect exercise regime. A 40ish minute walk is good for general health but I am not upping my heart rate and really getting the lungs working in the say way as I do by, say, jogging. There are alternatives of course but each presents a problem of implementation trying to fit them in around my little monsters.

* It is disappointing to an extent not to have dropped any further weight. I have been declining biscuits and sweets etc and if no weight is coming off, it can be tempting to ask yourself what's the point. Of course the point is that I feel much better.

* And that seems like a good point at which to leave this blog again for now. Two months in and I have lost 12lbs, leaving me just 3lbs above my short term weight target and 6lbs away from my medium term target. The most pleasing thing is that I have proved to myself that I can do it. This isn't a faddy diet, I am eating all the same things I did before, just being sensible with portions, eliminating unnecessary snacking and playing with conventions of when we 'should' eat certain foods.

* And to all of you who have been reading along; to the special lady in Wales; to my regular visitor in Worcester park; to the guy who logs in at 3 in the morning... thank you. Your support has helped keep me motivated to carry on.

Day 54 - 24th October

Food Log

Breakfast - Weetabix Minis

Lunch - Turkey with pasta in onion and garlic tomato sauce

Dinner - Oven cooked chips with sausages, eggs and spaghetti.

Dessert - 4 jelly sweets

In Between Meal Snacks

* 2x rice cakes

* Go Ahead yoghurt bar (x2)

Thoughts & Feelings

* In yesterdays blog I wrote about the noticeable change in my emotional reactions and this morning provided two further examples. My compilation CD included two particular songs, one by Def Leppard and one by Eminem, both of which prompted within me a wave of nostalgia. In the case of Def Leppard, I was whisked back to my childhood in Hastings. As for Eminem, I was transported to my mid to late 20's, sharing a house or flat with friends and spending most of our time inebriated.

* At face value, these two periods in my life have nothing in common, the first capturing my school life and a time when my (original) family unit was complete, the second a time of independence and relative decadence.

* However, on closer examination there is a theme. In both instances, I am free of responsibility. Whilst at school, your parents take care of everything, my only worries being whether I will get to play football at lunch or be stuck inside listening to some oaf read out stories from the Sun. In the second, I am a single man with no financial responsibilities, no life pressures, no work stresses, my week framed around nights out and hangovers.

* I pine for these times. I miss them. But spending too much time ruminating on what we have lost can cause us to lose sight of what we have gained. My (new) family brings pressure, stress and responsibility. But it also brings joy, love and fulfilment. It is okay to dream and it is okay to reminisce. But don't forget to live.

* A dinner of necessity tonight.

* DISASTER! Forgot my apple again.

* In The Anxiety Diaries, I wrote about some early morning anxiety. Predictably, by the time I got to work it had passed. In fact work was fairly relaxed all day. My mood was good and my energy levels were good.

Day 53 - 23rd October

Food Log

Breakfast - Weetabix Minis

Lunch - Bacon and mushrooms with pasta in onion and garlic tomato sauce

Dinner - Turkey steak with veg

Dessert - 4x caramel something-or-other bites

In Between Meal Snacks

* Apple

* 2x rice cakes

* Go Ahead yoghurt bar (x2)

Thoughts & Feelings

* Listening to some music in the car this morning and it occurred to me how much more emotional I have become. The slightest thing, positive or negative, can set of a reaction. A stirring crescendo perhaps or an inspiring lyric, things that in the past would barely have registered with me now make a very clear impact.

* Why is this? It's not a bad thing per se, just intriguing. I no longer take anti-depressants, which likely has an impact. I suspect though that the most important factor is that I have changed. therapy made me look deep into my soul and I didn't always like what I found. I am far more in touch with my own feelings now and by association, the feelings of those around me.

* From the outside I doubt people would notice anything different. If I were to watch something on TV that moved me almost to tears (it has happened), I suppress it. As open and emotional as I can be in my writing, I remain rather more reserved in person.

* Feeling a little bit of a piggy after lunch. I cooked a touch too much pasta but ate it all anyway. This will be a test of the science in a couple of ways. 1) will it impact my weight; 2) will it impact my tiredness and mood?

* Despite everything, I still have those occasional moments, brought on by a sight or a sound, where I have cause to think about my old working life. It is romanticising of course, filtering out all the bad stuff and just retaining the good, principally the familiarity and status. I refuse to judge these moments. They create a feeling and it is right to sit with that feeling. Over time, they will no doubt pass.

Day 52 - 22nd October

Food Log

Breakfast - Weetabix Minis with sultanas

Lunch - Bacon and mushrooms with pasta in onion and garlic tomato sauce

Dinner - Pork chop with veg

Dessert - 2x caramel something-or-other bites, biscuit

In Between Meal Snacks

* Apple

* Crisps

* 2x rice cakes

* Go Ahead yoghurt bar (x2)

Thoughts & Feelings

* Wednesday = crisp day.

* DISASTER!!! My headphones have broken. Is £3 worth nothing anymore?

* Rather pathetically I actually considered not going for my walk as a result but luckily sanity prevailed.

* Mood is back to normal today. It was a strange blip yesterday that I still do not fully understand.

* I don't get that many cravings but hearing someone crack open a can of pop really makes me want a nice, cold Coke. Mmmm...

* It would be really nice if, one day, I checked my website and found that there had been hundreds of visitors. Or even dozens. Or, you know, a dozen. I do however remain very appreciative of those of you that take time out of your day to read my ramblings.

* BUY MY BOOKS.

* Please

* I have written a number of blogs on depression but they are pretty much all based on my recent experiences. There are periods in my earlier life, principally at University, that is ripe for exploring. These will be difficult blogs, both in terms of trying to remember the details but also in terms of reliving the experiences. I think they are important to write though. Who knows, maybe they can even help someone else experiencing something similar.

Day 51 - 21st October

Food Log

Breakfast - Weetabix Minis

Lunch - Bacon and mushrooms with pasta in chunky veg tomato sauce

Dinner - Chicken curry with vegetables

Dessert - Blueberry crumble and ice cream

In Between Meal Snacks

* Apple

* 2x rice cakes

* Go Ahead yoghurt bar (x2)

Thoughts & Feelings

* Tuesday, which means dinner at Granny's where she kindly accommodates my dietary amendments.

* My mood is low today. There is no specific cause I can identify, just an underlying current of sadness. Part of it is perhaps a fatigue of trying to mask my dissatisfaction with certain elements of my life. It was a conscious decision to so, an attempt to live a happiness I didn't feel with the hope that it would become a sustainable mood. Whilst this is just a dip, sustained low mood can very easily become depression. I must be wary not to dangle my toes too far into the well for fear that I may slip off the edge.

* It is midday as I write this part of the post and I find myself feeling full still. Previously, my stomach would rumble all morning, exacerbating my snack habit. A brisk lunchtime walk will likely give me an appetite but it is encouraging that the snacking desire appears to be being tackled both psychologically and physically.

* Post lunch and I find myself faced with an almost overwhelming tiredness. A consequence of the carb heavy lunch perhaps? No idea but there will be copious amounts of tea flowing this afternoon.

Day 50 - 20th October

Food Log

Breakfast - Weetabix Minis

Lunch - Bacon and mushrooms with pasta in chunky veg tomato sauce

Dinner - Some-flavour-I-Can't-remember Chicken Chargrill, carrots, brocolli, cauliflower, green beans in cheese sauce

Dessert - Chocolate ice lolly

In Between Meal Snacks

* Apple

* 2x rice cakes

* Go Ahead Yoghurt Breaks bar (x2)

Thoughts & Feelings

* Well, I hurt today. I have aches in places I didn't realise I had places.

* The lunchtime walk was hard going. My thighs were aching, it felt like my legs were going to fall off but I thought it important to push through (so to speak), train my muscles to tolerate the extra exertion.

* Pain watch - other than the self imposed leg ache, my usual neck pain has not flared up over the last few days. Instead, it has been replaced by a feeling that my top half is 'locked up' so that it can be uncomfortable to turn my head too far or too quickly. I am reminded of the old gag about the man going to the doctor and saying, 'It hurts when I move my arm like this,' to which the doctor says, 'Then don't move your arm like that.' Towards the end of the afternoon, the usual pain returned, stretching down my back and through the base of my skull. It is rather unpleasant, all told.

* Feel a bit fat after my carbs last night but this is likely psychosomatic. My 34 inch trousers are comfortable enough but I do have a nagging suspicion that the button is going to ping off and have someone's eye out. Luckily I have a belt so at least I should be able to keep them up.

Don't forget to check out The Anxiety Diaries elsewhere on the site, as I examine my daily anxiety triggers and try to understand them, with the hope of one day overcoming them.

Day 49 - 19th October

Food Log

Breakfast - Bran Flakes with sultanas

Lunch - Ham salad sandwich and Grandad's birthday cake

Dinner - Oven cooked sausage and chips with spaghetti

Dessert - Yoghurt

In Between Meal Snacks

* Apple

* Hobnob Medley bar

* Grapes

Thoughts & Feelings

* I went for my first jog today. Before setting off, I had in my mind a basic circuit to run but that was completely blown out of the water when I got going. I had thought that my lunchtime power walks would have prepared me and bult up some lung capacity but runing and walking are two entirely different things. I was gassed after just a few minutes and was reduced to walking part of the way having already decided to cut my route short.

* There is a temptation to be embarassed, almost ashamed of this 'failure' but that would be too harsh. I did it. And having done it once, I can do it again.

* During my route, I ran / walked past a couple of other people and had time to note my reaction. I wasn't embarassed at huffing and puffing past them with a big, red face. I was proud of myself for doing it. These people aren't judging me, I am projecting my self judgement on to them. Comparing myself to others is folly. I am on my own journey.

* I was very hungry when I came back. It was interesting to note that the first snack I reached for was not crisps or chocolate or sweets, but an apple.

* Meals clearly not in line with the plan today for various reasons, no big deal.

* Pain watch - ironically mostly caused by the run. When I came back, I had a headache, neckache, leg ache, ache ache. it was grim. But no particular issues with the usual neck / shoulder pain.

* Anxiety watch - lots of triggers today and it has inspired a new thread. Look out for The Anxiety Diaries, coming shortly.

* It was noted by a special lady that my blogs over the last week or so had included more humour than previous entries. This brings two points to mind.

1) This is reflective of finding myself in a better place mentally, having reached a degree of acceptance over my current circumstances, following the principles of mindfulness.

2) Someone actually reads these?

3) It turns out I had a third point.

4) Which has now become four after wasting one on that last entry.

5) Hang on, this is getting silly now.

6) Right, let's get back to business. My 3rd / 6th observation is that it is pleasing when someone picks up on some of the throwaway comments I include in these blogs. There is no forethought that goes into them, I just start writing and allow the words to capture however I feel. Sometimes I like to have some fun with the words just because it makes me laugh to do so, and so it is nice to know that others are enjoying it too.

Day 48 - 18th October

Food Log

Breakfast - Weetabix minis with sultanas

Lunch - Ham salad with 1x slice of bread & butter

Dinner - Roast lamb

Dessert - Crumble and slice of Grandad's on-the-boat-so-having-his-birthday-cake-early cake

In Between Meal Snacks

2x rice cake

Cadburys Brunch Bar

Apple

Thoughts & Feelings

* The weekend, bringing the usual challenges that come without the structure of work. No real opportunity for exercise today either. A shame but no big deal, will be back to normal by Monday at the latest.

* I'm quite tempted to get out for a jog tomorrow morning. I have some ridiculous, self conscious hang up about it but I want to do it. If nothing else, I will get out for a walk. We shall see.

* I have some interesting thoughts for future writing projects that I am keen to develop. Not least of which will be to revisit my writing course, which I have not touched since getting back into work in January. It's not like I haven't been writing in the interim (I'm a published author, don't you know) but I enjoy the structure and immediacy of the feedback it provides.

End of week 7 - 18th October

Starting weight - 12 st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 8lb

New weight - 11st 6lb

Comments

* With the discipline of the regime restored, 2lbs have been lost, leaving me just 3lbs from my end of year target.

* Yet somehow, I was disappointed. I'm not sure what numbers I expected to see, there was just some indefineable sadness. This is perhaps a legcay of mental illness, looking for the negative in anything positive. It may also have been exacerbated by the moment I looked down to look at the numbers and saw my gut still hanging out.

* I am being too hard on myself, I understand that. I have come a long way (baby). The fact that there is still some way to go does not detract from the distance already travelled.

* I had cause to think back on my experience of therapy recently. I met people in truly awful points in their life, people who had self harmed, attempted suicide or suffered terrible loss. The temptation at the time, which some of you reading may have, is to think, 'what have I got to complain about, these people have it much worse than me?' But that is to miss the point of mental illness. Just because there are degrees of illness does not negate the illness itself. One broken leg may be better than two broken legs but your leg is still broken and needs to heal. Everything is relative. I had to learn to accept and to give myself permission to be ill. Only then could I begin the path to recovery, a path that I continue to walk.

* And remember, the journey is always easier if the burden is shared.