1066 All Stars

Middle of week 11 - 19th November

Starting weight - 12 st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 4lb

New weight - 11st 2lb

Comments

* If I am to not get too carried away by my weight fluctuating up a few pounds, so I should do the same when it goes down. Whilst the weigh in this morning is positive, I will need to see it repeated before I consider it a 'true' value.

* I can feel the difference. It is remarkable how quickly I have gone from barely being able to squeeze a leg into a pair of 34inch trousers to them actually feeling relatively loose. Indeed I finally felt comfortable buying a new pair of jeans yesterday, having held off until I could confidently buy the right waist size.

* I was interested to note yesterday that the absence of my daily food log makes snacking potentially far easier. Some mints were being passed round (not the worst of snacks I appreciate) and in my mind I told myself it was okay to take one as I wouldn't have to record it. This is an interesting development, almost as if my mind sees the food log as an authority figure and I can revert to a naughty school child when teacher is away, rather than buying into the plan wholeheartedly.

* I declined the mint by the way. Although I did eat a beetroot.

* I censored myself twice whilst writing this week, something I am not keen to do. In both instances, I was concerned that my words would be taken the wrong way and cause unnecessary discomfort. My blogs work best by being brutally honest but I think it is also important that they focus on me. It is not fair to extend them to encompass the thoughts and actions of others, at least not without their consent. In the end, the process writing the words just for myself was enough to explore the underlying issues and put them to bed.

* I did however write two new pieces this week. The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year is a blog on how mental illness impacts Christmas, whilst The Journey is a poem exploring my mental health journey. I don't write poetry often so it is a little amateurish but have a read and see what you think. Both are available elsewhere on the site.

Day 77 - 16th November

Food Log

Breakfast - Weetabix minis

Lunch - Roast lamb dinner

Dinner - Ham salad

Dessert - Ice cream

In Between Meal Snacks

* Banana

* 2x rice cakes

* Chocolate chip cookie

* Can of coke

Thoughts & Feelings

* Our second day in Hastings and I again took a more relaxed approach to the regime. That being said, it remained on my mind and played a part in influencing the food decisions made. The only real misstep was the chocolate chip cookie at about 9.30pm on the basis that they 'needed using up'. It was unnecessary but not a disaster.

* For the first time, maintaining this blog has become somewhat of a chore and so this is once again a good point at which to stop. I will continue with the twice weekly weigh ins which gives me scope for blogging, something I have come to rely on as a source of exploring and understanding my thoughts and feelings, and sometimes just having a good rant.

* It makes me sad that I feel I have had to walk so much of my mental health journey alone.

* To those of you have supported, even from afar, I am happy to count you amongst my friends and I am happier still that that my experiences and (ongoing) recovery from mental illness allow me to express this to you.

Day 76 - 15th November

Food Log

Breakfast - Weetabix minis

Lunch - Salad with 2x slices french toast

Dinner - Beef curry with rice

Dessert - Chocolate chip cookie

In Between Meal Snacks

* Banana

* 3x rice cakes

* Handful of grapes

* Onion rings (crisps)

Thoughts & Feelings

* A weekend in Hastings and a conscious decision made to somewhat relax the regime but with an eye on the waistline. Firstly, I reverted to a standard meal plan of light(ish) lunch and full, carby dinner. Secondly, a bag of onion rings sat invitingly half finished on the kitchen counter and I decided to give in to temptation and give them a good home. No regrets. I am not a monk, a few moments of relaxation here and there are both acceptable and sensible for the long term benefit of the regime.

* I have stated before how the weekend brings its own, very different pressure from the working week and a trip to Hastings is yet another change. One interesting point is that I am able to recognise it as such. In the past, I may have become anxious, agitated or moody and not understood why, ruminating on it afterwards, regret feeding depression. Now, I appreciate that this represents a change and change can bring about anxiety. This understanding brings the capacity to prepare, accept and adapt.

* This clearly manifested in a couple of ways today. After a poor night's sleep, I found my anxiety levels becoming very high during the afternoon. I was becoming increasingly annoyed by Aiden crying, a baby of 6 months who can do nothing about it. Any question put to me was immediately shut down in my mind, no decision possible regardless of complexity. We ended up taking the kids to the park, the change in scenary bringing a change in mood which more or less saw me through the rest of the day.

* My anxiety and related agitation also impacts my relationship and interaction with family and has in the past been the primary source of regret and recrimination on the drive home. I often reflect on how I spoke, how I came across. Was I too curt, too agressive, too arrogant, too dismissive? In some senses I live a different life to my family and yet this remains my home, spiritually and, in a sense, literally. This remains where I am grounded. Today, I could sense my anxiety levels were high and whilst not always able to control how I would liked to have reacted in quite the way I wanted, the fact that I was aware helps me to accept. Acceptance is the first step on the path to change.

End of week 11 - 15th November

Starting weight - 12st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 4lb

New weight - 11st 4lb

Comments

* Well at least my weight is consistent, even if my mood isn't #mentalhealthjoke

* I had hoped to reach 11st 3lbs this week but the consistency is also reasonably satisfying and gives me a platform to push on to my end of year target.

* The most pleasing aspect of the week has been the resistance to junk food, actively and consciously avoiding it. Married to my genuine desire to exercise, this is a two pronged, sustainable, healthy living lifestyle. 

Day 75 - 14th November

Food Log

Breakfast - Spooky Shreddies (woooooh)

Lunch - Home made chicken and vegetable soup, 1x bread roll

Dinner - Italian chicken with vegetables and small serving of pasta

Dessert - 

In Between Meal Snacks

* Banana

* 2x Go Ahead yoghurt breaks

* 3x rice cakes

Thoughts & Feelings

* No dessert tonight. With a trip to Hastings, dinner was followed by packing and driving (interspersed by some thievary, more below). At mum's, I was presented with a series of potential snacks but, whilst starving, declined after looking at the calorie and carb count. I was partly motivated by the knowledge that it is weigh in day tomorrow and I didn't want to adversely affect the result this close to the next milestone.

* Linked to this, our trips to Hastings usually result in buying McDonalds or something similar to eat in the car on the way. However this time I made the decision to have a normal dinner, foregoing the instant gratification of junk food for the longer term gratification of healthy eating. How awfully grown up of me.

* The night was almost ruined by an act of pure gobshitery. Whilst packing the car, we left the boot open and some hoodlum took it upon himself to grab a couple of bags and make off with them. I found them discarded a few houses down, the thief evidently unimpressed with his haul of baby milk powder, feeding bottles and calpol. It was a light piece of thievery but one can appreciate the mental anguish people can suffer when they have truly had their home violated as part of a robbery.

* Keep your eyes peeled this weekend for a 2 day special event sale of my flash fiction collection, A Matter Of Time, on Kindle.

Day 74 - 13th November

Food Log

Breakfast - Weetabix

Lunch - Home made chicken and vegetable soup, 1x bread roll

Dinner - Garlic chicken with salad and 6x onion rings

Dessert - 1/4 strawberry swirl cheesecake

In Between Meal Snacks

* Banana

* 2x Go Ahead yoghurt breaks

* 3x rice cakes

Thoughts & Feelings

* After declaring that I was free from the low mood / bad eating bug, today has been a real struggle. Walking to the office I could sense that my mood was unnaturally low. I feel as though I am operating below my capacity, that I have far more to give than that which both others and myself are currently asking. It is a delicate balance, I know all too well the consequences of taking too much and falling over the precipice. But standing too far from the edge, in too much comfort, brings an anxiety of its own. We need stress as part of a balanced, healthy life.

* This is partly of my own doing. An ex-manager once told me that I am great in a crisis but in the status quo, I don't know what to do with myself. I tend to run at 100% or crash. There is some truth in that. I had work lined up that should have lasted me the quarter but I effectively completed it within the space of a couple of weeks. It is a mark of my level of ability to be sure but has led to a new stress. As with all things, this behaviour, this crash or burn mentality, is learned and as such can be unlearned but it takes time, patience and compassion with self, traits that do not come naturally to me.

* As a result of this low mood, I felt the urge to snack. I could really go for a big, juicy burger or a bag of crisps or a cold tin of coke. The additional rice cake seemed a reasonable compromise under the circumstances and in that sense, the link remains broken. Desiring and acting are two very different things. Ultimately my desire to lose weight, to do things differently, to change, outweighed my desire to eat garbage.

* I saw a picture of myself today and my first thought was...I'm an ugly bastard. A statement of truth or the negative skew of mental illness? In a way it doesn't matter if it is true or not. The fact that this was my overwhelming, automatic reaction reinforces to me that I have considerable work to do in (re)building my confidence. Sure, we all have body issues of our own, none of us is ever happy with how we look. But to someone dealing with mental illness, I recognise that this is more. It is part of a pattern. I want to be able to look in the mirror and be, if not pleased, at least not disappointed with what I see. I can get fitter and I could get a haircut but fundamentally I'm not going to change how I look. So the key is to figure out how to be comfortable with what I have.

Day 73 - 12th November

Food Log

Breakfast - Some sort of honey grain boulders that the girls didn't like

Lunch - Pasta with salad

Dinner - 2x bowls home made chicken and vegetable soup

Dessert - 1/4 strawberry swirl cheesecake

In Between Meal Snacks

* Crisps

* Handful of grapes

* Banana

* 2x Go Ahead yoghurt breaks

* Some left over chicken

Thoughts & Feelings

* A slow start to the day as I find motivation difficult. There are some specific reasons behind this state of mind and I may explore them further in another entry.

* Interestingly though, my lack of enthusiasm does not translate to a desire to snack, which it most certainly would have done in the past. There are extenuating circumstances in that I am off to the dentist at lunch, so could snack even if I wanted to. Perhaps then it is partly just an acceptance by my mind. but I think there is more. I have broken the link between low mood and poor diet. One does not have to come hand in hand with the other. The solution to my lack of enthusiasm lies not at the bottom of an empty crisp packet but in the choices I make and the direction I point my life. I am in control.

* With a visit to the dentist, exercise time was limited but I squeezed in a short walk. It was nice when I realised that I would have missed it, I sought out an opportunity to exercise rather than (as it were) running away from it. My mentality has changed.

* A second bowl of soup today. With a trip to Hastings looming, I wanted to try and use up all the fresh food in the house and so sacraficed a slice of bread for a second bowl. Given that the soup is basically just flavoured water with some veg, I figure the calorie count can't be very high. I polished off the chicken partly for the same reason and partly because I was ruddy hungry.

* I have a couple of ideas for some new pieces of writing. It is always exciting when a new idea comes to mind, a confirmation that the creative juices are alive and flowing. Look out for them on the site soon.

* It is far easier to criticise than to create. Just a thought.

Middle of week 11 - 12th November

Starting weight - 12 st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 6lb

New weight - 11st 4lb

Comments

* Hmm. So iafter the increase on Saturday, it's back down to 11st 4lbs. I hope this is not a pattern or some quirk of when I weigh myself.

* This weight feels more realistic to me. The 2lbs increase on Saturday seemed out of place and not commensurate with the regime I had been following.

Day 72 - 11th November

Food Log

Breakfast - Some sort of honey grain boulders that the girls didn't like

Lunch - Rice and stir fry veg in chilli sauce

Dinner - Chicken curry with vegtables

Dessert - Yoghurt with chocolate balls

In Between Meal Snacks

* 2x rice cakes

* Handful of grapes

* 2x cocktail sausage

* 5x cherry tomatoes

* Banana

* 2x Go Ahead yoghurt breaks

Thoughts & Feelings

* My snack count has noticeably increased, however they are, with the exception of the sausages, all healthy. I have been very hungry at home in that horrible space between getting home from work and eating dinner, which causes resentment of the plan and makes me want to snack. So I thought I would try front loading the majority of my food, piling it in during the morning. We'll see how it goes, whether it affects my mood and alertness in the afternoon and, crucially, whether it has an adverse affect on my weight.

* One of the consequences of therapy, and coming off of anti-depressants, is that I am noticeably more emotional. Not in a weepy, box of tissues sense but I feel more emotional resonance and empathy with the world around me. This was apparent today as I read a story of a soldier serving on the front line during WW1. In the past this would barely have resonated with me. Now however I found myself connecting with the story, placing myself in his shoes, attempting to resonate with how it must have felt to be in the trenches, watching friends die, no end to the horror in sight. Perhaps this is just the wisdom and maturity that comes with age but I think not. I have changed, I believe for the better.

* I start these blogs during the day and finish off in the evening. Which is a bit of luck because I am absolutely exhausted by the time I get round to this, to the point that tonight, I didn't feel like writing anything. I force myself to do it and once I start, the words flow. I cede to the process, the catharsis of writing, the ebb and flow as the words form naturally, my mind and fingers seemingly operating in perfect synchronicity. Or to put it another way, I enjoy it.

* Balloongate - Grace carried her limp Noddy over to me this morning, pointing at his somewhat deflated stomach. I just want to fix it for her!

* I put my children's story collection together today. I had forgotten some of what I had written and it was nice to revisit them. I really think they are good stories but it seems a waste to publish them just as plain text. I have a friend looking to do some pictures for a couple of the stories which will really add value before self publishing. I would like to get all of the stories in front of a publisher to see if they would have any interest in illustrating and publishing professionally but I've no idea where to start.

Day 71 - 10th November

Food Log

Breakfast - Some sort of honey grain boulders that the girls didn't like

Lunch - Rice and stir fry veg in char sui sauce

Dinner - Home made chicken and vegetable soup, 1x slice white bread

Dessert - 1/4 chocolate cheesecake

In Between Meal Snacks

* 2x Crackerbread

* Handful of grapes

* 2x cocktail sausage

* 5x cherry tomatoes

Thoughts & Feelings

* After a difficult weekend, including balloon gate, high anxiety and a disappointing weigh in, I woke to a sense of disillusionment at my weight. I have lumps where I don't want them, a great big pair of moobs poking out. However, I am conscious that other people have very real body image issues. I wish to lose weight, it is not an unhealthy compulsion and I need to be careful not to talk myself into such. The most important thing to me is that, whatever the shape of the body housing it, my mind finds peace and stability.

* Very hungry today and the urge to snack is high. I really want a big back of crisps or a bag of sweets. I know that giving in to the occasional craving is a healthy part of obtaining balance but after the weight gain shown on Saturday, I am disinclined to acquiesce to this desire.

* I have new pain! My calves ache every time I walk, presumably brought about by the yoga yesterday. This is a good pain, I have evidently exercised in a way that I haven't done previously and shall therefore do so again.

* I have an immense amount of guilt about my role as a father. I read something earlier today that included, a comment that dad's create memories for their daughters, that they just want to be with us. When I spend time with my children, so often I just want them to leave me alone. Yesterday there was a very specific instance whereby the girls were using their Play-do and wanted me to help. Reluctantly I did but I just wanted to sit. I was too tired, it was too much effort. And this plays out every day so that I end up shouting at them constantly just for being children. What type of role model am I?

* The obvious solution to the above is to follow my mantra and change. But it is so, so hard. I wish others could walk in my shoes, share my mind for just a few hours to get an understanding of the amount of rubbish that swirls around, dragging me down, tiring me out. I end up procrastinating, falling into the mindfulness traps even though I can see them clearly. I know the solutions, I know the direction to go in. But walking the path is more difficult than it seems.