1066 All Stars

End of week 4 - 28th September

Starting weight - 12 st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 10lb

New weight - 11st 8lb

Comments

* A change of weigh in time from Monday to Sunday for two principle reasons. 1) I was weighing in after a roast on Sunday night, which may skew the result. 2) I started looking forward to Monday morning so that I could check my progress, causing me to, in part, wish the weekend away.

* A nice incremental decrease the last 2 weeks and validation of what I am doing. And of course motivation to continue.

* Despite this, my initial reaction was still one of disappointment that I hadn't lost more. I can feel a difference, there are definitely less wobbly bits to grab. But I still feel fat. This is of course labeling, something to be avoided.

* I still really want to eat more, which makes me feel that this plan is not sustainable in its current form. That's okay though. Once I am down to about 11st 3lb, I may relax the rules a little bit. I have proved to myself what can be achieved, it gives me some 'wiggle room' where I don't have to drown myself in guilt if I eat the occasional bit of naughty food.

Day 27 - 27th September

Food Log

Breakfast - Weetabix minis

Lunch - 2x ham salad rolls, pickled onion

Dinner - BBQ chicken chargrill and salad

Dessert - Ice cream

In Between Meal Snacks

2x rice cakes

Banana

Cookie

Thoughts & Feelings

* I did consider just the one roll but was concerned about possible hunger later in the day. It was a genuine dliemna, I don't want to eat for the sake of it but I don't want to abstain stubbornly. In the end, I decided that, at that time of day, and knowing I had salad for dinner, the carbs and calories were justified.

* I was concerned where I would squeeze in exercise today but in the end managed to fit in not one but two walks with the girls.

* Declines - chips

Pain watch 

* I felt nauseous this morning and wasn't sure whether to attribute it to neck pain or hunger, hence the 2 rice cakes. It passed so I guess it was hunger.

* Some discomfort later in the afternoon, stretching down my upper back and across my shoulders. Basically my daily pain.

* No major headaches today though.

* I seem to have also doscivered a pain in my foot. It almost feels like I have a broken toe, which is unfortunate given my propensity for walking. I am quite certain that it isn't broken, so I will walk through the pain.

Day 26 - 26th September

Food Log

Breakfast - Weetabix minis

Lunch - Pork curry with rice

Dinner - Chicken drumsticks with salad

Dessert - Ice cream

In Between Meal Snacks

Plum

Apple

3x rice cakes

1x chocolate (it's Friday)

Thoughts & Feelings

* Friday. The end of the working week seems to bring an added desire to snack, to 'treat myself' after a long week. I caved by having a 3rd rice cake, relatively innocent but I retain some guilt. As for the chocolate? I blame peer pressure.

* Declines - sausage roll, cake.

* There is one undeniable fact - my kids are the biggest cause of stress in my life. That may sound harsh but it is true. Let's make something clear though; much as they drive me crazy sometimes, I love my children and would not want to trade the life I have with them for a life without them. Now, with that being said, I had never experienced anger, frustration, anxiety, tiredness and any number of other things to the level I do since having them.

* This manifests mainly at weekends. As terrible as it sounds, in part I dread the weekend because it means two whole days with them with no escape. I have to find things to do and the energy to do them. but I feel so tired, all the time. Would I rather be at work? Of course not. Would I rather be on my own? No, that is just fantasising, I would not wish it in reality.

* I say these things because I feel them but this is not meant as a rant or diatribe. For better and worse, my kids are a part of me, a part I want. If a job becomes too stressful, you always have the option to leave. The kids are here for life. Therefore it is a stress I both want and need to learn to manage.  And so the point of this post is recognising that I don't want to feel this way. I want to change.

* Despite the end of week fatigue, I was really looking forward to my lunchtime walk and gobbled down my food quickly to give me the maximum walking time (45 minutes). Feeling better now. Sweaty, but better.

* I really want to go for a run. It is something that came up in my pre-Priory therapy but I always resisted, some level of embarrassment at the back of my mind putting me off. Therapy has taught me the importance of change, of doing things differently to achieve a different result. I am not going to put a timescale on it but it is a short term target to get out for a jog.

* Therapy showed me the nefarious influence of negative automatic thoughts, those instantaneous reactions that serve to distort our world view. For instance, a compliment paid to another is not, as a by-product, a criticism of me. My self worth is not reliant on the merits or otherwise of another. Apparently I need to remind myself of this occasionally.

* I have become so accustomed to it that the pain caused by my neck is almost just a feature of everyday life. I have fused vertebrae in my neck which causes a daily pain through my neck, across my shoulders, down my back and also brings on headaches. Some days are worse than others but every day brings discomfort at some level or other. It is easy to overlook but I am convinced that this is feeding into my overall health. It is energy sapping being in constant pain. It is exacerbated by tension, the pain masked by adrenalin but I know that the comedown the next day, when the muscles have relaxed and retracted, will bring even greater discomfort, a symptom of my Weekend Blues (Saturdays are the worst, by Sunday my system seems to even itself out a bit, ready for another week of abuse to start on Monday). The doctor says it is just one of those things but a prescription of 'grin-and-bear-it' is wearing thin.

Day 25 - 25th September

Food Log

Breakfast - Weetabix minis

Lunch - pork curry with rice

Dinner - Chicken drumstick with salad

Dessert - Millionaires Cheesecake

In Between Meal Snacks

2x Plum

Handful of grapes

2x crackerbread

Thoughts & Feelings

* Really tired today. The usual work related tension has undoubtedly contributed but I suspect my eating habits are playing a part too and it is something I need to address. By late afternoon / early evening, I am dead on my feet. Now, after dinner, I feel much better.

* Perhaps the old cliche of 'little and often' applies here.

* The most useful aspect of maintaining this blog is the food log. There was a moment last week when I thought about eating something but the prospect of listing it here, reminding me of my gluttony for all eternity, was enough to put me off. It really helps to generate accountability and responsibility for my own actions. I am in control.

Day 24 - 24th September

Food Log

Breakfast - Weetabix minis

Lunch - pork curry with rice

Dinner - Southern Fried Chicken with veg

Dessert - Millionaires Cheesecake

In Between Meal Snacks

Plum

Crisps

Thoughts & Feelings

* Interesting day today. A presentation at work activated a number of mental health triggers, principally that I would get something wrong, not know an answer, feel out of my depth, etc. I was noticeably nervous presenting material to directors and senior managers but delivered it successfully.

* Then, a short time after delivering the presentation, I was faced with two routine pieces of work that almost reduced me to a quivering wreck, causing me to doubt my own judgement. The details are immaterial, suffice to say that both instances served to highlight the job still to be done in rebuilding my confidence and self belief. When put under pressure, I deliver. When given time to think, doubts creep in. There is a lesson there somewhere.

* What is driving these behaviours? There are two principle issues here; 1) hesitation from not knowing the people and processes and 2) an inherent lack of self confidence.

* The first is natural and will settle down with time, although it's impact on me is, I believe, enhanced by the second; lack of confidence. And here some anger comes in over my redundancy. I have said it before but it was never meant to be this way. I wasn't supposed to have to deal with multiple issues at once, I was supposed to ease back in to a safe and supportive environment until I slowly found my feet. Instead, I was metaphorically chucked out onto the street and left to find my own way.

* There are moments when I take confidence fromn my past life (so to speak). There are others when I retreat into my shell, saddened by what I 'lost'. I wonder how many of those around me even notice. Have I become too proficient at wearing the mask?

* But I remind myself, as ever, that thoughts are not actions. It is okay to feel. Sit with it, understand it, then help it on its way.

* Wednesday, so crisps allowed, but boy could I have done with a stonking great family bag all to myself. And a coke.

* The lunchtime walks are becomng harder. Not the act itself, rather the aches and pains after are becoming more noticeable.

* One thing I noticed yesterday was that, in the midst of a low mood, where my previous recourse would have been to a bag of sweets or other sugary treat, it never even crossed my mind to snack. Evidence again that my mind has flicked that mental switch, simply accepting that this regime is the new way of things.

* Does it weird anyone out that I write out all this really personal stuff for the whole world to read?

Day 23 - 23rd September

Food Log

Breakfast - Weetabix minis

Lunch - pork curry with rice

Dinner - Sausages, chicken nugget and veg

Dessert - 25th anniversary work cake!

In Between Meal Snacks

Plum

Satsuma

2x crackerbread

Thoughts & Feelings

* Mood is much improved today. There is no specific, tangible reason. I am excited to be on the verge of publishing my second book, a collection of flash fiction stories, and that has likley contributed. I can also feel a bit of difference too. My shorts feel looser, my trousers are definitely looser.

* That said, I was incredibly tired in the afternoon. Perhaps I just missed my afternoon tea but I really could have gone for some chocolate.

* The veg heavy dinners are hard work so variety is likely to be the key ingredient.

* I was tempted to go back to my 34inch waist trousers (I gave in some time ago and admitted to myself I needed a 36) however I am conscious of not wanting to disillusion myself if they don't quite fit. It will come.

* I won a competition! Only an online one, no prize or anything but a nice boost nonetheless. It's funny, the story in question (The Caterpillar & The Butterfly) started off as a mental health story, rather than a children's story, but it has proved very popular on Reddit and has drawn a number of positive comments.

Day 22 - 22nd September 2014

Food Log

Breakfast - Tea and Alpen

Lunch - Jacket potato with baked beans

Dinner - Roast pork and vegetables

Dessert - New York Cheesecake

In between meal snacks:

2x Rice cake

Plum

1x mint

Thoughts and Feelings

* A carb free dinner this evening (ruined somewhat by the cheesecake). I have to confess, it was rather dull and that is the hardest part of this regime. All the while I am losing some weight, I can just about retain the motivation to continue but, boy, a bag of chips soaked in salt and vinegar would go down a treat.

* Meals are planned through the week so that I have a main meal (chicken or pork curry with rice) at lunch and then a light dinner, perhaps veg, sald or soup. 

* Declines - chocolate x2

* A difficult day mood wise today with a few things in play. Let's establish some parameters first though. As a society, we tend to use a lot of words for how we feel (mad, annoyed, appalled, elated etc) but there are only four core emotions; fear, anger, sandness and happiness. Breaking feelings down to these base descriptions is important in helping to properly convey how you feel but if people are not used to it, I can appreciate how the words may carry more power.

* So, how did I feel today? Sad mainly. There are a host of reasons why, not all of which I can comfortably blog about (something else that makes me sad). It's okay to feel sad sometimes, the danger is when it overstays its welcome, becoming a permanent state that strays into depression. I feel that this could very easily happen. I have some difficult thoughts to think through and resolve and must tread carefully.

End of week 3 - 22nd September

Starting weight - 12 st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 12lb

New weight - 11st 10lb

Comments

* Well, not exactly an overwhelming weigh in but a reduction nonetheless.

* I rather suspect this will be the pattern moving forward. Realistically, if I could lose a pound a week for the next few weeks, that would be a pretty decent result. It would be nice to get down somewhere near 11st 3lb (the weight I hit during my last concerted healthy living regime) before Christmas. It is not a fixed target, somewhere in that region is fine.

* Losing weight since last week does at least give me the motivation to carry on. So, it will be another week of switched round meals with a carb heavy lunch and a veg heavy dinner with a lunch time walk in between.

Day 21 - 21st September 2014

Food Log

Breakfast - Tea and Alpen

Lunch - Ham, cheese and mustard sandwich

Dinner - Roast pork

Dessert - New York Cheesecake

In between meal snacks:

2x Rice cake

Chocolate chip biscuit 

Apple

Plum

2x grapes

Thoughts and Feelings

* The cheesecake was a little naughty. I may regret it tomorrow at the weigh in.

* I had actually intended to switch my weigh in to Sunday morning but completely forgot.

* I edited some of my blogs today. This is completely alien to me, I usually like to just let them live as written but there was a specific point I wanted to address. The issue itself is irrelevant but it is interesting to me to note my reaction. I felt like I was cheating, as if my blogs were no longer genuine. Nonesense of course, editing is an established and vital part of the writing process.

* Speaking of which, I submitted a couple of pieces to an online website / writing contest. I have received an e-mail from the publication involved advising that I could be considered for publication, subject to some amendments I would need to agree to. I suspect the e-mails are slightly spammy (I received exactly the same wording for both entries) but it was again interesting to me that, rather than being pleased, my first reaction was one of suspicion, looking for the catch somewhere. My second reaction was, ' How dare you think my work needs editing.'

* I have yet to decide how to respond.

* I am on the verge of publishing my second collection and everyone I share my writing with tells me what a great achievement it is to be published. But the thing is, I did it myself and only my friends and family bought copies. It's not like someone in the publishing industry saw my work, thought it was publication worthy and paid me to release it. I still don't feel like a real writer. It feels like the equivalent of setting up a lemonade stall outside your house and the only person who buys a glass is your mum.

Day 20 - 20th September 2014

Food Log

Breakfast - Tea and Alpen

Lunch - Home made vegetable soup with 2x slice of bread

Dinner - Salad with pork chop

Dessert - Jelly and ice cream!

In between meal snacks:

2x Rice cake

Apple

Thoughts and Feelings

* Declines - leftover bolognese (yum, yum)