1066 All Stars

Dear work,

I can’t come in today because I have depression. I feel worthless, stupid and barely able to concentrate. I am tired (oh, so tired) and all I want to do is lie in my bed until the world stops.

I also have anxiety. Which means as much as I want to sleep, I can’t because there are too many things I am worried about. If I stop, something terrible is bound to happen, everyone will realise what a fraud I am. It is all so m...

This week brought a test of my mental resolve and drew out into the open just how far I still have to go on the road to recovery.

For some time, I have been contemplating what the future might hold. I am quickly bored and become restless at work, feeling as if I have more to offer and that I am underselling myself. Juxtaposed with this is an underlying unease, a sense that my anxiety levels could not handle increased responsibility. It is a continual internal battle.

...

Whilst I try not to regret too many things in life, it is inevitable that some will occasionally bubble to the surface.

One in particular keeps coming up for air, clinging to the back of another thought. I often find myself consciously pulling away from others.

This manifests itself where the group is enjoying shared humour. I very often find that, instead of joining in, I withdraw, which in turns serves to make me feel isolated. Socially, I devalue...

It is two years on but I remember the details like it was yesterday.

Walking over the bridge back to my car, the phone call that told me something was wrong. Packing a bag, driving that lonely drive, the tears already forming as I sped along the dark roads.

Walking into the hospital, attempting to compose myself, not wanting to break. And then walking into that room and seeing him there. And there was no holding back the flood.

I didn̵...

Who are we?

The smile that hides a broken soul.

The reflection in the mirror you can't look in the eye.

The voice that says you're too fat, too short, too stupid.

The voice that says you're no good, you're a failure, that there is no point in trying.

The realisation that the voice is your own.

When you feel different, out of place, flawed.

When life seems to be ...

Today I made the decision to go back on to anti-depressants.

It is something I have been considering for some time. My mood has been fluctuating wildly, including significant low points. My anxiety levels have been consistently high, setting me off at innocuous circumstances, in particular around the children.

And yet there is a sense of failure and regret. Over two years on from therapy, where I thought I had left the pills behind, I have a sense of having...

An incredibly difficult week and one that I am almost reluctant to look back on. And yet I know that there are issues that I need to explore.

The details of the week are not important, I do not wish to trawl over the events any further. It is the emotional impact that they had that is important. With that in mind, the week found me at turns sad, angry, lonely, tearful, bitter and remorseful.

Things started with a sense of isolation, which in turn led to me ...

Over the past couple of years, I have used blogs and short stories to explore many facets of my mental health. Anxiety and depression have played a fundamental role in my life but therapy showed me that these were illnesses that could be treated and overcome and so it was important to me to understand them and in turn, understand how I could change.

Where did these illnesses come from? What events, situations or thoughts triggered my mental illness? I have looked back on so...

Each of us is on our own journey and no two are the same. There is no right or wrong, simply different routes along the path. Happiness lies in finding your way. In fact sometimes the happiest moments are when you are seemingly most lost.

And so we have a choice. To turn left or right. To stay the course or change direction. If life is a journey, do you want to be the driver of yours or a passenger to someone elses?

To extend the metaphor, our mind is like ...

Inevitably at this time of year our thoughts turn towards Christmas, a time of family, happiness and celebration.

I wrote a blog last year, exploring why I found the season difficult, trying to frame a context around what often seems to be a time of low mood in juxtaposition to the season.

12 months on, what has changed? Those same feelin...